A Sarcastic Look at Red Riding Hood
Red Riding Hood opened this past weekend and I’m sure all the young girls went coo-coo for coco puffs about it. The following is riddled with spoilers so if you don’t want to know what happens, then stop here and don’t read any further. If you aren’t going to see it or don’t care about knowing what happens, then by all means….proceed
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Dear Diary,
It’s me again, Valerie. I know it’s been a while since I’ve written, but some crazy stuff has been going on in this quaint little mid-evil village of ours. We went through another full moon, but this time it was the dreaded Red Moon. You know what that means. Yup, the whole village had to go on lock-down again because of that wolf problem we can’t seem to get rid of. One of the villagers even put out a really cute little piglet as an offering. Poor thing didn’t know what it was in for.
Peter and I, you remember Peter right? I’ve known him since I was a little girl when we used to catch and kill rabbits. Anyway, Peter and I have a serious connection. I really want to run away with him, but for some reason I’ve been promised to Henry instead. Come to find out….are you ready for this? My older sister should have been promised to him, but I just found out that they are siblings! Right?! Mom got cozy with Peter’s dad (who looks just like Daniel Jackson from Stargate SG-1) before she married Dad, but he never knew. What-ever!
I feel bad talking about my sister, well half-sister, because she was killed by the big bad wolf. It’s a total bummer and I’m really sad. A bunch of the men from the village decided to go out and find where the wolf lives and kill it. Unfortunately Daniel Jackson along with a few others got killed. Now the village is like, all morose. Total downer. But that one guy who looks like Col. Tigh from Battlestar Galactica came back with a wolf’s head on a stake. He was dancing around it in the tavern like he was all that. If this were a movie I’d say his days were numbered. Come to find out I was right. He ended up biting the bullet too.
But back to Peter. I think Mom told him to stay away from me because he was being all distant and kind of rude actually. But I showed him. Made him realize that he can’t get rid of me that quickly. The village decided to celebrate the wolf’s head on a stick and throw a shin dig. Well, I saw Peter dancing with what’s-her-face so I started doing this sexy dance with one of my girlfriend, then Peter and I got pretty hot and heavy in the stables. The whole party was almost like the rave scene in The Matrix Reloaded. Just bad all the way around. But hey, I got my man back so it’s all good.
This priest guy showed up to help us with our wolf problem. He’s, like, a SERIOUS freak. He’s got these silver fingernails and looks like Commissioner Gordon. But he talks like that guy who played Dracula in the Bram Stoker’s version. You know, where he’s all young and kind of hot. But anyway, I think it’s a fake accent because it comes and goes. The elders are taking him seriously though. He said that the wolf head was just a regular wolf and that we’re still in danger and that since it’s the Red Moon, now is the time where a bite from the wolf won’t kill, it’ll turn that person, but if it were a normal moon, a bite would kill. I don’t know, it’s all very confusing. But check this out, I came FACE TO FACE with that wolf. Scary right? Well it was really weird because, like, I could totally have a convo with it. He knew me! It was nuts. He wanted me to go with him. I was with one of my girlfriends and she ratted me out to Count Vlad and he thought I was a witch. They totally chained me up and put some freaky mask on my head to lure the wolf out. How mean is that?!
Well luckily for me I have not one, but two guys who have it bad for me. Peter and Henry I guess are like BFF’s now because they both came to save me. It was all a bit chaotic but kind of hot. The wolf came, I got away, people fled to the church because as you know, the wolf can’t cross onto holy ground. Wouldn’t it be easier to make the whole village holy ground? It’s just a thought. Well, there was mass confusion, the priest guy lost a hand, then his life. Loads of others got whacked too. Henry made it through ok, but my Peter was injured by the wolf. Which really sucks because now he’s going to have to motor. We finally found out who the wolf was though. At first, I thought it was Grandma. She’s got these big eyes, big ears and big teeth so I thought for sure it was her. Not to mention she’s been acting all funny like. But no….it was, are you ready for this….it was Dad! My own father!! He totally killed my sister. Well half-sister. But still! He found out that she wasn’t his daughter and lost his shit. But because I’m crafty, I went and picked up that priest guys hand with the silver nails, that was conveniently still on the ground, packed in snow so it wouldn’t decay….yeah I went and got it and stabbed Dad right in the gut with it. The silver didn’t agree with him.
I’m glad this whole ordeal is over. I’m really sad I lost my sister and Gram. But hey, I got Grams cottage and how much does that rock?! I just had to get out of the village. Henry went on to do the honorable thing and became something like a knight. Peter had to take off on account of him being the new wolf. I won’t have anything to worry about though. I know he’d never hurt any of us, especially me. He’s going to come back he says, once he can control it.
Life has returned to normal in our little Twilight-meets-Thomas Kincaid village. Hmmm, speaking of Twilight, Peter kind of reminds me of the guy from that movie. You know, the one with the hair? He’s dreamy isn’t he? And Dad looked like that other Dad from that movie. Hmmm, weird. Anyhoo….I have to go now because I’ve got this awful kink in my neck. It’s all that dramatic posing I’ve had to do these last several days. I’m serious! Look at the pictures I’ve included. Ouch right?! It’s also a full moon so Peter will surely be coming back so I have to get myself all gussied up. Talk to you later Diary!!
TTFN!
-Valerie
Red Riding Hood was directed by Catherine Hardwicke and stars Amanda Seyfried, Gary Oldman, Billy Burke, and others. It was very much like Twilight meets Thomas Kincaid and very much not worth the time or money. If this movie wins an award, it’ll be a Razzie.
Verdict: 0 out of 5 togas. This movie is naked. And not in a good way.
Oh yeah, here’s the trailer if you’re so inclined to watch it.
