I’m going to preface this by saying that I came THISCLOSE to seeing this film in the theater. I himmed and hawed about it and decided I would go, then something came up or I just changed my mind, I can’t quite recall, and I ended up not going. Silly me.
Now that I’ve seen this fine piece of cinema, I’m very curious to know how the conversation went when Nic Cage was pitched this amazing story. I imagine it would go something like this:
Suit: Nic, we’ve got a great part for you. The movie is called Drive Angry, and the story is about this guy, who breaks out of hell to avenge his daughter’s murder, while also saving his granddaughter from becoming a human sacrifice at the hands of the crazy cult leader that killed his daughter who also wants to unleash hell on Earth.
Suit: And there’s more. Along the way he’ll meet up with a feisty blonde who will quit her job following a grope fest by her boss, and then she’ll get beat down by her boyfriend. But that’s after she catches him in the act of having sex with some other gal. She’ll beat the crap out of the gal, then take a beating from the boyfriend. Then Milton, your character, will show up just in time and throw the boyfriend a beating. The gal, Piper, who we’re thinking about casting with Amber Heard, will roll with Milton.
Nic: <<fingers steepled at his lips, slowly nodding, taking it all in>>
Suit: Milton and Piper continue their journey to find the crazy cult leader, Jonah King…
Nic: Wait…who is reading for that?
Suit: We’ve got Billy Burke. Billy Bur….yeah from the Twilight movies. Bella’s dad? Yeah him. Anyway, we’re going to make him lose the ‘stache, but he’s going to have killer chops instead. Oh and some long fake nails. Like Lee Press-On nails. Anyway, King shows up at this hotel where Piper and Milton are staying. She’ll take a guy back to her room just so he can give her a pedi…..you gotta keep the audience guessing amiright? But Milton is next door having sex with the waitress who served him. And boy does she serve him! But here’s the kicker, and I love this part man, I’m tellin’ ya….the chick, yeah she’s going to be naked. N-A-K-E-D! But Milton is such a badass, he’s going to be fully clothed! Wearing sunglasses, with a cigar sticking out of his mouth and a bottle of Jack in his hand. I can already see this scene and here’s the best line……when the chick asks him about being fully clothed, he says “I never disrobe before gunplay.” HAHAHAHAH classic right? Anyway just then, King’s minions bust through the door and start shooting up the place. But Milton, man I love this guy, Milton takes them out WHILE still having sex with this chick! She’s all screaming and freaking out but he’s cool as can be. Pretty awesome right?
Nic: Ok, I’ll admit that sounds pretty awesome. But I’m still not sold yet.
Suit: It gets better….after Milton takes care of business, Piper kills a cop and the two are confronted by this guy who calls himself the Accountant. We’re hoping for William Fichtner for that one. God I love that guy. Anyway, he’s going to be on Milton’s tail the entire time. They’ll have words, exchange gunfire, you know the usual stuff. But it’ll be cool.
Nic: This cat King….what’s his story?
Suit: King wants to unleash hell on Earth right? Because that’s how he rolls. Doing the Devil’s work blah blah blah. But he killed Milton’s daughter. And Milton tells Piper and his buddy that the worst part of Hell isn’t the flames, but you have to witness the suffering of your family members. So he saw her murder. Pretty jacked up yeah? Oh on a side note just in case you’re wondering, Milton wasn’t a grade A citizen. He capped some guy so he went to Hell for committing murder. Anyway, so Milton is after this dude, and he wants him bad. Oh man, I totally forgot this part, when Milton is offered a beer, he declines saying he’ll have a beer when “it’s served out of Jonah King’s skull.” And guess what…..at the end… after the epic final battle that is going to last for like, 15 minutes, you’ll get to drink beer from a skull! How awesome is that?!
Nic: Tell me about the cars. It’s called Drive Angry right? What am I going to be driving?
Suit: Classic American metal man. Chargers, Chevelles…..you know, the muscle cars. There’s going to be insane car stunts, chases, explosions, fight scenes, shoot outs! It’s like the goddamned 4th of July but on film! So what do you think Nic? Are ya in?
Nic: I’m not sure. I’m on the fence with this one.
Suit: OH! And it’s going to be shot…are you ready for this….in 3D!
Nic: SOLD! Count me in!!
So that pretty much sums up the catastrophe that is Drive Angry. The only urge I had after watching this film was the urge to punch this film in the face. You think it sounds ridiculous? Multiply it by 1000 and it’s not even close. If you want 104 minutes of soul-less-life-sucking carnage, Drive Angry is the film for you. I can appreciate a film that is crappy for crap’s sake, but this bypassed the tongue in cheek and went straight for absurdly terrible.
If you feel the need, check out the trailer below.
Amber Heard, Billy Burke, Drive Angry, Nicolas Cage, William Fichtner