Dear 50 Shades,
Well, well, well. Aren’t you just a hot little number these days. It seems like it anyway. I wonder how the Twilight Saga feels about you stealing all of its thunder. Although, if I’m being honest, Twilight’s days are over even if there is still another movie coming out. If you ask me, they waited entirely too long but I won’t get in to that here. No, this is all about you, 50 Shades, and how I feel about you.
I’ll be honest. I didn’t even know you existed until I saw a Tweet about how you’d been picked up to be turned into a film. I’m a sucker for books that get adapted to film so really, that’s what introduced us in the first place. When I hear about a book becoming a movie, 9 times out of 10, I’ll read the book first. And since a lot of people on Twitter were perplexed on just how you will be reborn on the big screen, that intrigued me even more. After a bit of a background check (because that’s just how I roll, I don’t like to be unprepared you know), I found out that you originally were conceived as an off shoot of Twilight fan fiction. Apparently the woman who created you, E.L. James, wasn’t happy with the amount of sex, or lack thereof I should say, in the Twilight series so she took it upon herself to create an original (debatable) story with a SHIT TON of sex. And kinky sex at that. It’s like a recipe; 1 part dominating male, 1 part innocent female, 2 parts kinky sex, 18,649,375 uses of the term “oh my”, a generous helping of Wikipedia and a thesaurus and VIOLA!…..there you are!
Before you go getting all offended saying you’re just misunderstood, I have read all three parts of you. I will also say that I have no problem with fan fiction. Well, except for the fact that a lot of it is really poorly written, oh but wait…you fit that category! OHHH ZING! I know, that was pretty snarky of me. I’m sorry (not really), I’ll try to keep it to a minimum. Anyway, as I was saying, I don’t mind fan fiction. There’s some decent stuff out there. I think it’s kind of neat that people find ways to carry on their favorite shows or movies and put the characters in different realities, situations or what have you. I also have no problem with the fact that you go into quite a bit of detail when it comes to the sex. That shit doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Although I am curious to see just how all of that will be translated to the big screen. You know what, I’ll even go so far as to say that I will celebrate you if the film version of you is done well. But let’s be honest. This is America. American audiences are still a little conservative when it comes to stuff like this, but we’re getting there so please just be patient. We aren’t Europe…..or even Canada. At least that Canadian series Lost Girl goes out on the edge and doesn’t bat an eye….but noooooooo, they have to censor it for America. That however, is a rant for another time. I don’t want to get sidetracked (but let me just say that Kris Holden-Ried is smokin’ hot). Anyhoo…..my issues are as follows:
A) Your dominating male is just silly with a host of mommy issues as well as issues about control. I know a lot of women, and I know for a fact that NONE of them would put up with the shit Christian Grey deals out. My momma raised me to not take anyone’s shit so perhaps it’s just ingrained in me, but Christian would have gotten the boot from me at the get go. I don’t care how hot he was, or how those gray flannel (flannel?? REALLY??) pants hung low on his hips.
B) Your sometimes whiny, inexperienced, submissive-yet-not female who doesn’t like to be told when and what to eat, but will allow it to happen anyway. Oh and there’s also that little psuedo-multiple-personality issue going on inside her head. Is it Anastasia, her inner goddess or her subconscious that’s talking? There’s so many characters going on inside her head it’s like the Game of Thrones series…or the beginning of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo book. Seriously!
C) The graphic detail in which you describe certain things. Mainly THAT scene. You know the one. Ok look, we all know (some of us too well am I right ladies) that every female’s red flower (to coin a Game of Thrones phrase) will bloom at some point. It’s natural and it’s all part of having the X chromosome and a uterus. BUT….there are some things that I don’t need to read about. I certainly don’t need to have you explain in detail how Christian removes Anastasia’s tampon in order to have sex with her right there in the bathroom. Then afterwards, it’s all about cuddling. This Tumblr user had the same thoughts as I did. It’s like seeing someone pee in a movie…or barf for that matter. You know it happens, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be shown. I can only beg that the movie version of you doesn’t go into detail. At least I’m not the only one who sees a problem here.
D) The constant use of the phrase “oh my”. Really? Of all the phrases out there, you had to have this one repeat like a CD that has a scratch? Now, I know a thesaurus was involved with your creation so surely there was something better than “oh my” out there somewhere yeah? It’s used so much it could be part of a drinking game. Every time Ana says “oh my”, take 2 shots. I did find a way to get past the irritating use of the term, and really, I suggest others try this. When someone comes across this phrase (and they will…..A LOT), say it like George Takei.
My list of issues with you is long (really?? A playlist on Spotify??), but those are the highlights and really, I don’t want to rag on your too hard. I just had to express how irritated and unimpressed I was by you. I have no idea how the suits in Hollywood expect to turn you into a movie, but it’s going to take one hell of a screenwriter to do it. Maybe I’m just picky, but I like at least a little substance and unfortunately, you lack that. Sure, fluff is A OK in my book. I’m all for empty calories on occasion. But give me decadent empty calories, not bland empty calories.
I’m sure there will be those who disagree with me and that’s OK. Everyone is free to like what they want. But you and I are not a good match. I will say however, that since you became so goddamned popular, you have provided me with unintended entertainment, and for that, I say thank you. Actually, instead of turning you into a movie, let’s make a movie that just shows actors reading you. Now that would be hilarious. John Hamm would be a good choice….and Helen Mirren. OH WAIT! HUGO WEAVING…..oh my! Now that….that I would pay to see…or hear….or….whatever.
So here is where I leave you 50 Shades…..my inner snarky, cynical goddess is tapping her foot and her watch telling me it’s time to jam. So…..yeah.
-TracyTags: 50 Shades Darker, 50 Shades Freed, 50 Shades of Grey, ick, oh my