When I first read about the Roger Corman produced, SyFy Saturday night original film, Piranhaconda, the first thing that popped in my head was “UGH! REALLY?!?!?!?” yet, I knew then I’d probably watch it. This film has been in the back of my head ever since and it finally made its way to the small screen a couple of weeks ago. Yeah, I’m a little late, but I didn’t get a chance to watch it until recently. Oh what a treat it was.
By treat I mean that of the canned powdered cheese variety. With movies like these, you expect a certain level of….how should I say….crap and Piranhaconda delivered it in spades. IN SPADES I TELL YOU. Ok, first off, let me tell you what it was about. So there’s this movie crew filming a Z-list horror slasher flick in the jungle. There’s also this scientist guy (played by Michael Madsen…..MICHAEL MADSEN!!!!) who gets nabbed by this band of bad guys. I’m still a little fuzzy on what the bad guys are after, but it doesn’t really matter. Oh and there’s also this side-story(??) of a busty chick and her unbelievable relationship with her geeky boyfriend. That storyline doesn’t really matter either. All that matters is that lots and lots of people get eaten!
So….all these different things have one thing in common. They find that people in their party have gone missing. But it’s in a more “oh hey, have you seen so and so? No? Ok….moving on.” type of thing. Soon enough, the film crew gets abducted by the bad guys. But luckily the hunky stunt/actor guy is able to get away along with the movie crew’s explosion/firearms guy. That’s handy.
The bad guys want to ransom the film crew, hoping the studio will pay big bucks since they’ve got the lead actress, all the while the scientist guy snickers like he knows something they don’t. Which ok…he does. He knows all about the monster in the jungle because apparently the thing ate his dad years ago and he’s been hunting it ever since. Sort of like a life’s mission I guess. The Piranhaconda makes her (yes, it’s a her….because she’s actually after the egg that scientist guy swiped, that is now in the bad guys possession) appearance and all hell begins to break loose. So people are running all over the jungle and this thing is everywhere chomping them up one at a time. The only thing left in its wake are the victim’s feet and a misty cloud of blood. But it actually looks more like someone opened a packet of powdered fruit punch Kool-Aid and threw it into the wind. The Piranhaconda is quite liberal when killing, because she goes after good guys, bad guys, stupid people, people who think they’re smart but are actually stupid because they’re in the jungle…in heels no less….in the first place. To be honest….I’m pretty sure they all deserved it. Especially Rachel Hunter. Oh yeah….Rachel Hunter was in this too. I’m not sure why, although she had one of the best lines. I even remember it verbatim:
Henchman: It’s like an unholy union between a piranha and an anaconda.
Rachel Hunter: You mean……a PIRANHACONDA!
Bad Guy Troop Leader: I can’t believe you just said that.
Oh yeah…..I howled at that. Then I backed it up and watched it again because that Rachel Hunter…man….she said it with conviction. The same happened with another little slice of awesome dialogue pie that took place between Stunt Guy and Explosives Guy. What’s that? You want to know what was said. Ohhhhh you…..ok. Here it is. The scene is after the two make it back to the minivan to find the rest of their team has definitely been abducted. They try to decide on what to do.
Stunt Guy: It’s 14 miles back to the highway. Or we can follow these tracks and find trouble.
Explosives Guy: I’ll get some supplies.
Stunt Guy: I have to tell you though, there’s something out there. Some kind of animal.
Explosives Guy: Animal? What kind of animal.
Stunt Guy: Like nothing I’ve ever seen.
Explosives Guy: (all serious and straight-faced) Well, I’ll get more supplies.
Frakking classic dialogue right there folks! I’ve watched a handful of these Syfy movies and this was just bad bad bad. Bad acting, bad dialogue, bad effects, and most of all….bad monster. Ok, let’s talk about the actual monster. Of course it was mostly CGI. But the face reminded me of one of the Koopas from Super Mario Bros. 3. But like I said…..you don’t watch these movies hoping to find the next great classic. Maybe the next great Z movie classic, but that’s about it.
With all the bashing I’ve done, I will say I giggled….a lot. It was so bad it was funny. I was actually rooting for the piranhaconda. The only thing that would have made this film better, is to have Sir Mix-A-Lot jump into the final scene rapping “MY PIRANHACONDA DON’T WANT NONE UNLESS YOU GOT BUNS HUN!” *drops mic….roll credits.
This Saturday’s movie is Big Foot with Danny Bonaduce and Barry Williams. Ok….Danny Partridge AND Greg Brady! Hell yeah.Tags: Michael Madsen, Piranhaconda, Rachel Hunter, SyFy