Dear Paranormal Activity,
A wise man by the name of Albert Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. While I’ve joked, on numerous occasions I might add, about that very topic, it has never really rang true. Until now. You see, I knew last October that we hadn’t seen the last of you. So naturally I wasn’t surprised to see you pimping yourself out with the teasers (which seriously, those are really unnecessary), trailers, clips, etc. It’s that time of year when the horror…or should I say “horror” movies come out of the woodwork, so of course you were going show up again.
Last weekend, when you birthed your third child, that you named PA4 (how original), I was all geared up and ready to go. My reasoning was this: I’ve seen the other three, so therefore, I have to finish the series. However, life, being the crafty devil he is, got in my way last weekend and I wasn’t able to visit you and see the latest edition to your brood. Was I bummed? A little bit, yeah. Monday rolled around and I thought “you know, I’ll go this coming weekend”. And then I saw the headline that made my blood run cold and snapped me out of my PA addicted stupor: Paranormal Activity 5 Confirmed for Halloween 2013. It was then that I realized I needed to break the cycle and step away, once and for all. Because really, wasn’t this supposed to be it? I mean, you were supposed to be done. How could you spawn another one. My God…aren’t you tired? Because I am Paranormal Activity. I’m tired of being duped every time I go to see you. I know it’s only once a year, but I could spend that time doing something else. What really bakes my noodle is the fact that you seem to promise me it’ll get better each time and it just gets worse. It makes me sad. And I don’t like to be sad.
When we first met I was genuinely happy to meet you. Ok so what, you may not have been the most original kid on the block, I mean let’s face it….that Blair Witch kid had that shit dialed in…but it had been a while since we’ve seen her. I mean, her offspring was dismal am I right? Anyway, you…..I was ready to meet you. And I really liked you right off the bat. So did a lot of other people. We encouraged you to multiply. The following year I came back for another visit, and well, I know a lot of people were pretty disappointed, but I was optimistic. I liked how you went back in time and told us a part of the story that we didn’t know about. It’s like filling in the gaps which always helps the overall narrative. That being said, I spent the better part of our second meeting staring at your pool. And kitchen. Sure, we had a few good moments together, but overall, I felt very unsatisfied, yet like I said, optimistic. If it’s possible to be optimistically unsatisfied….then that was me.
Then…there was our third meeting. I thought for sure you’d finally explain yourself and tell me all about your sordid past. I mean, we’ve known each other for a couple of years now and I thought for sure, that you’d start to trust me with your secrets. I kept telling myself, and my aunt, who is the one I keep roping into these situations, that THIS time would be different. THIS time everything would change. THIS time, we’d get somewhere in our relationship. THIS time never came. I left with feelings of anger. At you. At myself for being snookered once again. At the whole world! Sure, there were some mildly interesting things that happened in that third visit, but I need more. And it seems like you’re incapable of providing it.
Of course, it seemed like I had forgotten all those negative feelings because when I heard you’d be coming around these parts again, I was about ready to jump on that train once again. Thinking, as I did those other times, that this time it would be different. You see? Insanity. I keep going to see you, expecting something different, yet it never happens. I think it would be something I could live with if I knew it was going to end…you know…for realsies this time. But that headline glared at me and what I saw was a huge neon warning sign that said “PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS…IT’S NOT GOING TO CHANGE. IT’S JUST GOING TO GO ON AND ON AND ON.” It was like the cold hand of reality slapped me out of the trance you put me under. I realized that, you know what….no….I’m not going to do this anymore. I refuse to be party to it and I’m taking a stand. I decided that I won’t be visiting you anymore. I’m done PA….I just….I can’t. I even made the call to my PA cohort and told her that I was finished. She responded by saying that her life just keeps getting better and better. I guess that’s another sign eh?
I hate to be so harsh, but really…this boils down to one thing. The fact is, the problem isn’t me…it’s you. I was an enabler though, and my $7.50 contributed to your offspring, but that’s not going to happen….not anymore. I know others will take my place and that’s OK. I will sleep better at night knowing that I broke free from your chains. I’d like to say it’s been fun, but really, it hasn’t. I wish you the best and hope you come to realize that less is more. It’s too late for that though right? My Halloween plans, now that they don’t involve you, will go back to what they always were. It’s time for me to visit Poltergeist again. He’s a reliable old chap and has never let me down in the past. He always makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, and sufficiently creeped out. I’m sorry our friendship didn’t work out PA…but I just can’t have you in my life anymore. Be well…and for God’s sake….can you please just end already? Jeez!
-TracyTags: Paranormal Activity, Paranormal Activity 2, Paranormal Activity 3, Paranormal Activity 4